I’m back.
And let me clarify: by saying “I’m back”, I am not saying I suddenly feel a push to do everything in health with perfection (my carb-loving, sweet tooth-having is far from doing anything with perfection). When I say that “I’m back”, I am referring to a mindset.
A few years ago, I made a determination to seek out the positive and do my best to “grow me”. I was in a mode of “growing from” and overcoming. I carried this zest to my life, and found myself meeting life’s challenges head on, swatting at them with the enthusiasm that Phyllis Nefler (from Troop Bevery Hills) used when wielding a tennis racket. It carried over to my diet, my activity level, my work, and my parenting outlook. I pushed myself to do my best. And most importantly, I had optimism.
Then about a year, year and a half ago, something shifted. Instead of knocking life’s challenges out one-by-one, they started to overtake me. I became a first-time homeowner, but found that living in a semi-rural setting by myself was not particularly easy, and when things went awry, I became painful aware that I no longer had a maintenance department I could easily call and the reality of truly being the only adult managing this hit. Baaam! I found myself losing out on job opportunities that I felt were in line with the direction I wanted to go. On top of that, the job that I was in, I found myself having increasing struggles that I never anticipated. Smack! I lost a long-time friendship that I had also considered a support and found myself reeling with hurt in the aftermath. Pow! I found the balance of trying to go back to school (to get a degree to help obtain some of the job opportunities I was seeking), work, and raise a child becoming really, really challenging. In addition, while trying to extend myself to do “the most”, I realized that there were simply emotional voids in my child’s life I, as one parent, could not fill, and there was nothing I could do in all my power to change that for her. Kapow!!
I let all of the blows take their mark. Like a row of upright dominoes falling, I just let it all cascade, one on top of the other, and I found myself disillusioned from it all. Truthfully, I found myself stopping to expect good things to happen. Ironically, there is a canvas in my bedroom that reads “Good Things Will Happen Today”. For a minute, whenever I caught it in my line of vision, I would find myself rolling my eyes. My blog lay dormant for sooooo long. Why? Well, as I told a friend of mine, I write from a place of optimism and hope. That is how I choose to share myself. But when I just didn’t have it for me, how was I going to pass it along through writing?
So what shifted? Now what has me suddenly feeling all of a sudden that I am back? Funny thing. . .while my last blog post was about the frustrations of “learning how to deal” with COVID and the sudden changes, it was actually, in part, COVID, and it’s sudden changes that helped me. While certain things have proved stressful, the fact is that is has halted some other things in my life to force me to take stock of it all. Knowing that it has been stressful, I have needed to be more intentional about doing the work of self-care, which, for me, has been reaching out to others (for myself and for them), really spending time in contemplation and in conversations with God (not gonna lie, some of them have been pretty heated. I’ve had a LOT of things I needed to express to Him about my frustrations. Just call me Jacob/Israel), and seeking out the things that cause me calm and peace (the creator in me is on overload, crafting up a storm, cooking up a storm), and just having to say no to things that I know are too much for me right now. I have also had to give myself a ton of grace. Doing these things have slowly built myself back up to a place that I can venture to the next thing, and then the next thing. . .it’s like I have been nursing on myself, y’all.
What have I learned from this? BTW, my parent/former teacher is screaming out in that statement. Well, the fact is that the work of cultivating and building mindset cannot stop. The ground work cannot stop. Let me explain: it seems like an age-old, hackneyed thought, but it nevertheless is true. When everything seems to start going “well” for you, it is sooooo easy to ride on the waves of that. Your accomplishments and victories start building you up. Personally, I don’t think it is a bad thing, necessarily, but I do think it is a bad thing when you start depending on just that while neglecting the things that keep you grounded. Because, guess what? Things do not always go well or go your way or go the way you would expect. It stinks and it is frustrating but that, quite simply, is life. I would like to think I could figure my way out of it so that doesn’t happen, but I am neglecting grace for myself that I am not always going to have the answer or way to fix it, and that is okay. However, if I continue doing the grounding work when I am riding high as I do when I am riding low, THAT work proves to be the consistency that keeps me going. Am I spending time in devotion, study, prayer, and meditation with God? Am I being diligent about saying no to over-extending myself? Am I walking away from the things that are unnecessary crosses to bear? Am I giving myself time to do the things that bring me joy and life? I keep thinking about something my therapist once said about doing little things to bring you some joy and happiness. For him, it was going into a coffee shop and taking a deep breath of the aroma of rich, roasting coffee. While I would loooove a spa day everyday, that can’t happen, so am I doing something little every day that will give me a mini-spa experience??
Yes, I still have stressors (believe me, I have stressors), but I have found the pause has reminded me of things I MUST do to recharge myself, even when things are good. So, on I go with that Phyllis Nefler enthusiasm (mercy, you really should watch that movie if you haven’t. I love it down to my toenails). If you see me sagging and lagging, feel free to give me a little reminder :-).
Be blessed.
Life According to Tifftay 