Guest Blogger, Gamal T. Alexander “Pull It Together”

The bundles of joy we bring into the world are a package deal, even if there are times when we’d gladly trade the other parent in – or demand a refund. Nevertheless, although it may be difficult, co-parenting is also doable, and necessary. After all, I’ve seen my daughters in action. They are a LOT of responsibility. . .more than was designed to be handled alone. It’s not always easy, but I made a decision that, when it comes to my daughters, Faith and Grace, their mom and I would pull the load together.  That has had it’s ups and downs, and I have learned my fair share of lessons. Here are seven principles I’ve learned along the way:

1. It’s gonna hurt. Sorry to break it to you, but divorce affects everything, and I mean EVERYTHING.  Schedules will be inconvenient. Finances will get tighter. Words like “home” and “family” will be replaced by words like “visitation” and “child support”.  Unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do to completely shield your child from the pain they will feel. There are questions that will go unanswered. There are times when they will be disappointed. As a parent, you will have regrets. I know I do. As a divorcee, this is a part of the life you now live. That being said, do the best you can with what you have and continue to trust God’s keeping power.  Your Heavenly Father never met a problem He couldn’t solve or a situation He couldn’t handle. Turn the mistakes of your past and the mystery of your children’s future over to Him. His grace is sufficient for you.
2. Just the facts sir/ma’am; just the facts. Communication is key. I realized eventually that I need to have an open dialogue with my ex for the sake of the children.  Communication is necessary, however, it’s not always easy.  It’s tempting to reinvestigate and re-litigate all kinds of cold cases from the past while you have your former partner’s attention.  There are answers that you feel you deserve. There’s unfinished business you feel you must take care of.  There are always lots of loose ends to tie up.  It’s possible to turn every conversation into a trip down memory lane. Trust me, I’ve been there. Here’s what I learned: check your egos  and your feelings at the door and keep communication civil and productive.  It’s difficult but it can be done! There is much to negotiate and communicate, from the role of the extended family to boundaries, education and discipline, so start talking. Not accusing, not blaming, no rehashing, not arguing, but talking. The development of your children depends on it.
3. Don’t enlist the little ones. All’s fair in love and war, except when love and war are all the same. Then the fighting becomes especially hurtful.  Your sworn enemy used to be the love of your life, and that’s usually all the motivation we need to exact vengeance with an anger that burns hotter than a thousand sun (sorry, I just had a moment. . .).  It may seem perfectly natural to include your kids in the fight. After all, they should know what type of man their father REALLY is. Right? Wrong. Resist the temptation to recruit young soldiers onto love’s battlefield and keep the children out of adult squabbles. Commit to positive talk about your ex regardless of your feelings. Instead, speak positively about your ex (you did have a child with them) and use every opportunity to relieve the child of the burden of being the go-between while giving them the permission and security to share love with both parents.  They shouldn’t have to chose sides. You can chose to pull it together.
4. Build a bridge and get over it. Kids are not weapons of your ex’s destruction. Resist the temptation to use them as such. How? Here it comes. You’re gonna hate me, but I’ve got to include this for the children’s sake. Here goes. . .forgive the other parent so that the residual bitterness doesn’t poison everything you do.  Does that mean that you allow your children to be in harm’s way while you ignore obvious red flags? Does that mean that you do not hold the other parent accountable for responsible parenting? No. Forgiveness is accepting an apology that the offending party will never give, and then moving on.  Your ex may never say sorry for cheating on you. You have to forgive. Your ex may never tell you the truth after lying to your face for year. You have to forgive.  LET IT GO!  Better yet: LET THEM GO!  Oh, and if feelings are involved, let those go too. He found somebody new. She’s not coming back.  Who cares if she’s prettier or if he has a better job. Wish them well and let them go.  And while you’re forgiving, save some for yourself. Pent up guilt over what you could have done differently or better will have you paying an eternal penance and the children suffer in the process. So let it go. Besides, you can’t be that bad. You have awesome kids! You obviously did something right. Tough decisions still need to be made. Your inability to say “no” and set boundaries in an effort to “make up” for a bad situation will only make it, and them, turn out worse. That won’t work either.
5. Get on the same page. Kids are smart. You have to be even smarter. I learned this the hard way. My daughters are natural con artists who are adept at leaving out important bits of information and adding beautiful smiles at the appropriate time to get what they want. Pretty soon, daddy ends up buying them the very thing that mommy said they shouldn’t have!  It seems innocent enough. After all, they’re your kids too and you have every right to spoil them. Right? Well, conflicting rules will often lead to confusion as children play one side against the other. Be consistent and keep each other in the loop (without using the “kiddie carrier pigeons” to do it). Set time aside to update each other, whether via email or in person, and make sure that the left hand knows what the right hand is doing. Kids can be amazingly cunning creatures, and parents need all the support they can get to raise them. Don’t go at this one alone. Pull it together.
6. Know your role. More than a playmate or an ATM, you are a parent.  Do not abdicate your sacred responsibility in favor of running away or running amuck, no matter how difficult staying involved and being responsible may be. Raising kids is time consuming and financially burdensome at times, but this is the deal that BOTH parents signed up (Remember how they came to be? Yeah, that was the contract. Moving on. . .). The children need time with and influence of both parents as they grow. There are lessons they need from Dad that Mom can’t teach, and the opposite is also true. Both experiences, both histories, both parents are vital.
7. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Don’t overcompensate . Research shows that children need time to do ordinary things with the non-custodial parent. Not just fun stuff.
   I had an especially hard time with this one. Whenever my kids come to visit, I’m inclined to turn my apartment into Disney World and promise nothing but fun all day long. And yet, the little ones still have to go to school!  Eventually, I figured out that we can’t eat out for every meal, and that it’s ok for the kids to be bored with Dad sometimes. It’s ok for them to not be constantly entertained and instead be still and spend some time relaxing. They’ll live. They’ll be ok.

Listen, these are lessons that I’ve learned and I’m still learning as I go. My parenting is far from perfect. As a matter of fact, Mom and I are a work in progress and have a lot to learn, but learn we will learn it because we have to. The children deserve it. Their successful demands it.  For their sakes, we’re determined to “pull it together”.

Gamal T. Alexander is a terrific father of two terrific daughters, Faith and Grace.  When not discovering and perfecting the joys of co-parenting, he authors many incredible things, namely, this guest blog and two soon-to-be-released devotional books, Faith 2.1 and Grace 2.1.