Divorce does not have to be a death knell to your optimism.
Let me repeat: divorce does not have to be a death knell to your optimism.
Without a doubt, divorce is probably one of the hardest things you’ll go through emotionally. As we discussed in the first blog in this series, you will feel flawed and there will be plenty of other individuals to join the bandwagon and make you feel flawed as well. You may internalize that and feel that you are deserving of whatever sloppy seconds life wants to hand you.
Stop that noise.
There will come a point that you will need to pick yourself up off of the floor and decide that you are going to keep living and not only just live, thrive. Please, allow yourself to mourn. However, when the time comes, get up. And keep moving, even if by counting one step at a time.
The best thing I ever did post separation was see a therapist. I know it seems to be a taboo, especially among the Christian community It’s not that I wasn’t praying. It’s not that I stopped seeking wisdom and love in the faith community. However, I view a trained person that can help you sort through your thoughts and find ways to help guide you away from the negative and destructive ones as a blessing and a welcome additional along the journey, not a curse or distractor. Going through this process helped me see my marriage through an objective eye. Believe me, things I did not feel comfortable with discussing, he was able to put the pieces together and flush them out. . .the benefit of talking to a trained therapist. It also helped me to detect negative patterns that could be adjusted. Overall, it got my mind right in order to continue living and thriving with life.
And then I started running. Well. . .jogging/walking to be exact.
One of the things I struggled with post separation was my weight. I was only three months post partum when my husband and I separated. The extra baby weight came with me, like additional pieces of luggage. Taking on full time parenting along with full time employment, I needed as much energy as I could get, and the weight wasn’t helping. I knew working-out inside was not going to be enough (too many temptations to avoid), but I lacked the resources at the time to join a gym with a children’s center that could watch my baby when I worked out. So, I made use of the fancy jogging stroller we had picked out, loaded it up with my little sleeping infant, grabbed my running shoes, and hit the pavement of the surrounding neighborhood. Because the idea of running at the time was as palatable to me as a bowl full of rocks, I had to set a goal. The community where I worked was having a 5k in a couple of months, and I chose that as my target. I did not realize how awesome of an experience it was going to turn out to be in taking those first few steps, but with some 20+ races later, I can say doing that was one of the most empowering things I could have ever done.
I’ve tried to be more proactive about self-care. I’ve tried out some hairstyles I have always wanted to try. I’ve challenged myself to do things I have pondered in the past (For instance, I practiced and prepared for an open mic night; even though my number wasn’t one of the lucky ones chosen, I was prepared). I have gotten back into the dating world, complete with all of its joys and challenges. I have worked to make some awesome memories with my daughter. I’ve worked to keep living. Life may not look like I thought, but it is still a life. And as long as I have breath in my body, God has a purpose for me. Philippians 1:6 tells me “being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” I have no idea what waits around the bend, but if I curl up and give in, I may never know.
Divorce is not a death knell to optimism (one more time). It can be an opportunity to begin afresh in a healthier way if you allow it. All it takes is the courage to try.
Life According to Tifftay 