Those Sliding Door Aspirations

In the late 90s, a movie came out starring Gwyneth Paltrow called Sliding Doors.  In the movie, two versions of the main character’s life were played out, the point of diversion based on whether or not she was able to make it through the sliding doors of a departing train.  It was an interesting tale on the “what ifs” of life, something that we often spend time examining.  I mean, Sliding Doors was just one movie; there are countless other tales in film, television, and literature exploring the same theme.

As children, our decisions for what we want to be in life are often vast.  I have a rapidly growing six-year-old, and, the last I heard, she has wanted to be a nurse, a teacher, a spy, a superhero, a dancer, a gymnast, and a rock star. To children, the world is their oyster and the possibilities are limitless. I honestly think that part of us never truly goes away, especially if we find ourselves finding enjoyment in and being good at multiple things.

I was one of those children that found fascination and interest in a lot of different things.  I grew into a teenager that found fascination and interest in a lot of different things, and I am currently an adult that finds fascination and interest in a lot of different things!  Needless to say that honing on a life path was a process (you should see a previous blog I wrote for more detail on that).  I found some validation of this in an episode of Insecure when Issa and her mother had a conversation on the exact same thing.  Oh, I thought.  So it wasn’t just me.  Phew.  I don’t feel quite, quite so scattered. Haha.  My chosen path ultimately became that of a nurse, which is not surprising because working in a service profession has long been a goal.  And, as you can see, I am also a writer.  Writing was my consistency that I knew I was going to find a way to incorporate writing into whatever I did.  Hence, why I was an English major in college.

So what is my “what if” profession that I toss around during dinner conversations and social media posts when the topic comes up?

Ten-year-old me walked into a theater with my mom and my sister to watch The Little Mermaid when it first came out (yes, I was alive when it first came out – these gray hairs are on my head honestly).  From the swirl of the orchestration, the beautiful melodies that came from Ariel’s angelic voice, and the ability to draw in an audience so completely with a story told by music, my little ten-year-old self was awestruck. . .and it never left me.  Musicals had me thoroughly hooked!  I couldn’t get enough of them.  My mom purchased The Little Mermaid soundtrack (on tape), and I wore that thing out.  I can sing along with every song still.  Oklahoma came on TV once, and I dragged out my little VHS tape to record it, and I watched, it over and over and over again.  I knew every line by heart and knew every note to every song.  Flower Drum Song was another joy.  The list could go on and on.  When my mom purchased The Andrew Lloyd Weber Collection (compact disk this time), I just knew I was in the big league.  The Phantom of the Opera, Cats, Evita. . .I was done.  Completely done.

I had some enablers in this fascination of mine.  My mother was a violinist for many years.  She played in a string quartet with her sisters and in her high school orchestra.  She also was a soloist for many years, playing for church and weddings quite often.  My mom absolutely loved music, especially music with orchestration, and she gladly found herself supplying any music my or my sister’s little hearts desired (as long as it wasn’t too much out of the budget).  I also grew up in a community that was very musical and was extremely privileged to go to schools throughout my life where music was a heavy influence.  The science teacher of our high school started a musical theater club.  He had a knack for writing and had an uncanny ability to write wonderful lyrics to established instrumental music. I joined the club and found myself in the “angel chorus” for our first musical, a Christmas one.  This was no insignificant performance.  Again, music was a staple in my community, so we had ample support to affirm the project.  There were full costumes, stage decorations, and even a small orchestra formed from the many, many instrumentalists that went to our school.  That first night, as the lights went up, the orchestra started playing, I was completely transfixed.  I felt as if I was soaring on a cloud, suspended in an alternate reality for a couple of hours.  Any stress, worry, or frustration I had was carried away with the story and the song.  I went on to perform in two more productions with the club over the next two years.  I served in many, MANY extracurricular activities in high school, but this one, by far, was my favorite.

Flash forward to college, and my freshman year, I found myself in one of the choirs.  No, it was not musical theater, but it was still music, and music, innately, tells a story.  We had the ability with our choir to perform on many a theater stage and with many an orchestra.  When the stage lights came on and the house lights dimmed, that same euphoria found its way back to me.  When I had free time in college, I often found myself meandering to one of the practice rooms in the music building, fiddling around with the piano (I have only had a semester of formal piano instruction), getting lost in music for a spell.  It was a good stress reliever for me: any major decision I had to make in college I found myself working through it mentally while sitting on a piano bench.  I spent so much time in that music building that I figured I might as well make use of it and make it an academic minor.  

Okay, Tiff, so why did you not choose to go into a career in music and find yourself exploring the world of Broadway that you so very much loved?

Ah, yes. The closing of the door.  Inasmuch as I absolutely adored musical theater, I was also raised pretty conservatively.  Living a life in New York chasing dreams and auditions and call backs was so extremely foreign to the life I had been raised in that it never even occurred to me as an option.  I will never forget after one of my juries for my music minor (think of it as a test for music studies), one of the professors wrote in his comments “lovely sounds” and keep going with my studies. It threw me for a second. Wait. . .what? That’s really an option? There was also a matter of confidence.  Ironically, though music and singing was so dear to me, I also suffered from debilitating stage fright when the focus was on me (I actually wrote a story about this once for a Christian magazine).  For a short time, a doctor had prescribed me a very small dose of propranolol to take whenever I had to perform (this is actually pretty common). This stage fright took me years to conquer, and it still re-emerges in varying amounts from time to time.  I have to laugh: our church’s praise team leader will often chide me for having me eyes closed when we are practicing.  Singing with my eyes closed is not just about being caught up in the song: for the longest time, that was the only way I could get through singing.  It’s become habitual!  Along with confidence, there was always the doubt that I was even that “good”.  I could easily name multiple people in high school and college that I thought were great singers, and I would not even put myself close to them.  If that was the case, what business did I have in pursing it? I couldn’t fathom pursing something that I hadn’t even considered myself good at. Thankfully, as years have gone by, I have learned to be less critical of myself, allowing myself to appreciate a little bit more the contributions I can bring to the table.

So here we are in the present.  Broadway and music as my great and grand “what if” profession.  Do I have any regrets with not pursing that passion?  You know?  Not really.  I think the path I have traveled was meant for me, and I have no regrets with living it.  I have learned a lot in my journeys, have been able to work with some wonderful people, and think I have contributed to others in the path that I have gone down.  I am happy with my choice.  But there have been new insights gained I want to pass on to the next generation. I want my daughter to truly know the world is her oyster, that as long as she is willing to work hard and is fixed to stay true to herself that her possibilities really are endless. I also want her to have confidence in the contribution she brings to her passions and interests. God sets certain things in our hears for a reason. Don’t ignore it because you doubt yourself.

That being said, my chosen path doesn’t stop me from allowing myself to get lost in music from time to time.  I have sang in the praise team for every church I have attended in my adulthood. I will still solo from time to time. Music will always be one of my greatest joys and greatest stress relievers. I will even get caught in my own little Broadway world from time to time. Check out the video below as proof.  And who knows?  I have life to live.  You may still see me on someone’s stage belting out some show tune just yet ;-).