Zora* is a friend that I have known about 20 some years now. Her marriage to her first husband dissolved almost 13 years ago. However, she was blessed to find love once again with Langston*, and they have now been married going on eight years.
Confession: these past few years, I have gone to Zora with many a question about processing this post-divorce journey, knowing she has walked a road similar to mine, and she has graciously offered her words of encouragement and support. When I started this blog series and knew this was a topic I wanted to address, naturally, my mind thought of her. In noticing how she discusses her journey with Langston and how they navigate their marriage, I was dying to know, “How did you do it? How did you rise from something so painful to something so encouraging and beautiful?” I bombarded kindly asked her a few questions about her journey. Her answers were so on-point in so many different ways and loaded with valuable gems of wisdom. Here is what she had to say:
How long was your first marriage? What are some things you had to process emotionally to heal?
My first marriage lasted just under 4 years- we were separated by about 3.5 years and the dissolution was finalized several months later.
I had to work through many emotions in different stages: at the beginning, tremendous grief and sadness, a sense of failure, some relief, anger, embarrassment, sexual frustration (I was FURIOUS about the idea that as a Christian woman I would now be expected to be celibate), feeling overwhelmed, bitterness, hope. From the beginning I set an intention that I would go through this process in as healthy a way as possible. So I found a therapist, read articles about how to heal after divorce, talked to elders that I trusted to be wise and kind, stayed close to supportive family and friends, and did a LOT of self- searching.
As time went on and I began to build my life/ develop my home as a single woman, I started to realize that I did not really know myself. There were so many things I didn’t know: what do I like? What makes me happy? What direction do I want to go? What are my gifts? I looked around my life and all I saw was failure and mess. I took steps to answer these questions for myself. Over time, slowly, I started winning little victories- paying off bills, improving my credit, decorating my home the way I wanted it to be, progressing in my career, buying my first car. An excitement began to grow in me about the ability to chart my own course. A confidence began to grow in me that I was (for the first time) handling my business and managing my life.
When your first marriage ended and you had grieved it, did you think you would ever find love again that would lead to marriage?
Never doubted it for a moment. I had married young and was still childless and in my 20s when things ended, so it honestly never occurred to me that I wouldn’t meet someone else. The bigger concerns for me were:
– Will I choose wisely? I did a lot of work thinking critically about my criteria, my so-called “list” of things that were important to me in a spouse. I concluded that much of what I thought was so important was actually very shallow and had nothing to do with the things I really wanted. I took the time to reevaluate the kind of person I needed to be with.
– What will I do differently? I remember reading somewhere that almost 70% of second marriages end in divorce (as opposed to 50% of first marriages). Although there are several reasons for this, one of them was that people tend to blame the ex-spouse for the collapse of the marriage, and fail to acknowledge and deal with their own issues that may be problematic/toxic. I committed to think about ways I would conduct myself differently in my next marriage.
Did you feel that being a divorcee would be a barrier to finding someone again?
Yes and no. I knew that there would be those who would be turned off by my status, but I just assumed that those were not the ones for me. A phrase I repeated to myself often was “the man God has for me will love me”. It sounds simple but I applied it to a number of thoughts/fears I had about a future relationship. I also was very careful to remind myself to turn down the volume of “Oh, I hope he likes me” and turn up “But do I like him? Is he what I want and need?
How did you meet your second husband?
Online. In our case, we both filled out our dating profiles in a way that expressed who we were and what we were looking for very well.
When your relationship with your now husband started to become serious, did you find yourself in the position of maybe being a bit nervous or scared based on your past relationship?
Absolutely. I remember many times driving away from his house in tears because I knew how much I was falling in love with him, and I started feeling afraid that he wouldn’t feel the same about me. I did my best to work through that also; first, by recognizing that all love carries the risk of loss. I remind myself often of one of my favorite quotes from C.S. Lewis: “the only place to be safe from love is the grave”. Beyond that, I tried hard to take my time and allow space for Langston’s behavior over the years to show me that his love for me was real and true.
How did you know your husband was the one to venture into it with?
I mentioned earlier that I worked to develop a better “list” of attributes I was seeking in a husband. It occurred to me that I was using words like “smart” and “funny”, which don’t really say anything about the person’s character. There are plenty of smart, funny demons walking around. I needed to look for character, four traits specifically: Leadership, Accountability, Kindness, and Laughter. These are the things I was looking for, and whatever the man’s life circumstances, I looked to see what it revealed about his character. From the moment I connected with my husband online, I could see these traits, kindness most of all. In all the years since, I’ve been covered in love and kindness. I am honored to be loved by him.
I did not list “godly” as a character trait. Here’s why: I felt that so many know how to say the right words, know how to practice this performative godliness. What ends up happening is that it’s used to cloak other major flaws like controlling/domineering/ abusive behavior. They can never be wrong because God calls them personally on a red phone somewhere.
I’m not interested in what you say. Only your behavior. If you’re truly a godly man I will see it in you. And I see it in him.
What has been the difference this second time around as opposed to the first? What have you learned in the process?
Everything is different. Everything.
I’ve learned so much, but I think what we’re working on right now is learning how to love through changes. Our circumstances- the state we live in, the house, the job, our bodies, our priorities, our passions, our goals have all changed. It takes some adaptation and a commitment to re-learn how we both need to be loved at different stages of life.
What advice would you give someone who perhaps has gone through a divorce who may be considering the idea of marriage again?
I struggle with this question, because there are so many factors that play a role in why people are where they are. I guess I would say first to “worry about yourself.” Seek peace and healing. Prioritize your health in all its dimensions- including mental, physical, & financial. Seek professional counseling (meaning someone who went to school for it, not just your pastor or friends), and think carefully about what you really need.
Zora, your words have been invaluable. Thank you ever so much for your time.
*names have been changed, not to protect the innocent, but because it’s nobody’s business
Life According to Tifftay 