Society seems to make dating a single parent, especially a single mother, as appealing as going to get a root canal. Marrying one? Let’s not go there. Society’s feelings about single mothers actually considering dating? Words like “selfish, wrong priorities, ungrounded” get tossed around.
This realization of how society feels became, of course, extremely loud and apparent when I became a single mother myself. I will be honest that, before, I really never paid much attention. However, after it happened to me, every joke made by a comedian, every stupid YouTube video talking trash about women who date with children, and every quote meme that casted shade stood out to me like a pastel plaid suit at a funeral.
Post divorce, I did not go running toward the idea of remarriage, but at some point, after grieving and healing, you realize that feeling that way again is not out of the realm of possibility. However, these views toward love and marriage to the single mom have all been like little pins poking at my balloon of optimism that the possibility of finding love and marriage again before my child is 30 could really actualize. If I ever marry again, there have been a few things I have resolved when it comes to my child: 1. I would have to marry someone who could see my child with as much love as he could see his own (whether he has them or not). 2. I would want a team approach to parenting, which would mean allowing any future husband to have as much say about how my Little is reared as I have. 3. Any future husband and my child would have to develop their own relationship separate of me. The first would require meeting a pretty enlightened, empathetic, loving and compassionate individual. The last two would require a great deal of trust on my part. The third would be determined by factors completely outside of me. Put everything together, and it really seems like a tall order.
Until you realize such a thing has happened to others. . .and it has thrived.
Which brings me to this interview. I had the privilege of going to the wedding of Mike* and Susan*. The love was extremely palpable, and it was nothing short of beautiful to see how Mike seemingly flawlessly flowed into his role of new husband and father. It wasn’t until I became a single mother myself that I really and truly was in awe of what I had and continue to witness. As with the previous interview, when I knew this was a topic I wanted to tackle for this blog, Mike and Susan came to mind, and I needed (yes, not just wanted, but needed) to hear how Mike went through the process. This is his story:
How did you meet your wife? What did you admire most about her?
I met my wife at church. She was new to California, and I was the second person she met in California. The crazy part is that it was my ex that introduced us, so I wasn’t trying to entertain any type of friendship even if I was attracted to her because of who introduced us. That quickly changed over the next two weeks. We ended up becoming really good friends after that.
What I admired about her most was the fact that she was girly and at the same time enjoyed sports. We also had great conversation and that was a big deal to me. I could also be my authentic self and that was liberating for me.
Your wife was a mom when you started dating. How many children did she have? How old were they at the time?
She had 2 children and they were 1 and 6.
Was there any hesitancy in dating your now wife, knowing she had kids? Were you encouraged/discouraged from getting serious with a single mom by those close to you? How did you navigate the negative? What propelled you to continue to pursue her?
There wasn’t must hesitancy because I had been in her life as her friend for many of those years. My mom threw her first baby shower, so there was always the friendship.
There was both encouragement and discouragement from different people about getting serious with a single mom because of all the factors that come with a single parent. At the end of the day it was my decision and what I knew was best for me.
I navigated the negative opinions by first checking the source of those opinions. I also took into consideration whether they knew my wife or not, and if they did, how well did they know her. Everyone has an opinion, but not everyone knows anyone’s situation.
The one thing that pushed me to continue to pursue was that she had been my best friend for over 10 years. Our story is more complicated than these questions and my love for her was deeper than I had ever had for anyone else. I knew before she got married the first time that she was the one for me, and I believe she knew the same.
Okay, game time: you knew you wanted her to be your wife and that you wanted to propose. What was the hardest thing you had to ponder with that decision? How does one work through the mental process of seeing another man’s children as his own?
I knew I wanted to propose and my challenge was making sure I loved the children as much as I loved her. She told me that she could not marry a man who didn’t love the kids as his own. So I had to search myself and spend time with the kids to know if I could even be that man. It wasn’t an easy process because I had to choose everyday to love them as my own. Even today I still choose to love them as my own because at any moment they could choose to reject me. They could deny my parental role with them and yet I needed to determine that even in those moments I would still choose to love them.
The process it took for me to see another man’s children as my own took time. I don’t think it ever really becomes a perspective that another man’s children are mine, but instead it is that I share children that biologically belong to another man. You have to view it in terms of adoption. Whenever you think of adopting a child, you know the child isn’t biologically yours, but you also know that the child is yours and you’re going to raise and love that child through the challenging world of parenting. Some things they have taken from me through nurture, but other things are purely nature and that part I have to accept isn’t me.
Assuming the role of a new husband by itself can be a challenge. Assuming the role of new father simultaneously seems absolutely insane. What were some of the challenges you encountered? How did you steer through some of those challenges? What has helped you the most in the process?
The biggest help of navigating through all of the challenges of parenting has been through many conversations and preparation from my wife. We talked about so many things so that I would be prepared when certain things arose. I had to slowly establish a new identity in their lives and my wife had to be the captain of that ship until it was recognized that there is another captain on this ship. They had to see me sail the boat before they could trust me with safe travels.
The navigation of being a husband was harder because I haven’t been a husband before. She’s been a wife before, but now she has to learn how to be a wife to me while I learn how to be a husband to her. We are working on navigating our relationship and at the same time navigating my fatherhood and her relinquishing her authority to now have shared authority.
Is biological dad still in the picture? If so, how have you navigated the relationship with him?
Biological dad is still in the picture and I knew I wouldn’t have to navigate it that much. I observed his involvement before I even proposed so I knew that he wouldn’t be a hassle because he wasn’t really involved. Based on this knowledge, I knew that I could establish a relationship without wondering how he might get in the way. I stayed consistently me and when he came around I made sure that our son saw me shake his biological father’s hand and greet him in a friendly manner.
It took awhile for him to come around to respecting my role in the kids lives. Today, we are great and he even seeks counsel from me because he knows the role I play in the lives of the children. He knows I am there day in and day out and respecting my role works to his advantage. Also, he knows I’m not trying to take his place and I encourage the relationship between he and the children.
“You are not my dad, and I don’t have to listen to you?” When emotions run high, even the sweetest of kids can resort to such a response. Have you encountered it? If so, how did you manage it? If not, what would you say?
I encountered this months after we got married. I was told that it would be said, and I was prepared to respond to such a statement. When my son said it at the age of 6, my response was “I know I’m not your biological dad, but I love you as my son.” I let him feel all that he needed to feel because this was a new transition for him also.
My daughter was only 1 so I am all she really knew. She would always go and visit her biological dad, but she thought she was just going with her brother to visit his dad. Even though we would explain it to her, she didn’t fully understand until she was about 5 or 6. Recently, she has implied a few times that I’m not her real dad and I gave her the same response I gave her older brother. Preparation is key.
How has your wife helped with the transition into your role as father?
My wife was the key to everything. If she hadn’t been actively participating in my transition as a father, then the road could have been much more challenging. She had to prepare me before we got married and even during the first 2 years. I have to admit I had it good because the transition wasn’t difficult. I made sure that I was at every event the kids had so that they knew I would be there no matter what and that still continues today. Establishing that early allowed for my relationship with them as a father to be solidified.
What is the coolest thing about your kids?
They aren’t afraid to try new things and they are always up for an adventure. They are smart, funny, and thoughtful. They have lofty dreams and it’s cool that I get to be apart of that journey. We teach them to live courageously and it’s just cool to see them actually do it.
What is the coolest thing about being a dad?
I can be something different to all of my children. To my oldest I can be a guide and he can enjoy many things with me now that he’s a teenager and we can talk about girls. My daughter thinks I’m hilarious and we get to cook together and talk about boys. My youngest keeps me active and teaches me about quality time and patience. The coolest thing about being a dad is being all these things at one time and watching them grow older as they keep me young.
You and your wife have a child together now. When baby was born, what impact did that have on the new family dynamic that you two had established?
We prepared the kids ahead of time and included them as much as possible through the process of the pregnancy. They anticipated the arrival of our new baby as much as everyone else. The adjustment that needed to be made was just having another person to care for and balancing time between children. Our everyday lives didn’t change much because we included the baby into what we were already doing. The key for a successful arrive with minimum issues was due to our preparation.
I have to admit to you: developing the mindset you have toward this takes a good deal of growth and a special type of maturity. What do you think helped to contribute to this for you?
I accepted early that life isn’t perfect and sometimes great things come with packages. Is it “ideal”? Probably not, but it doesn’t mean it can’t be as great as the “ideal” way. Being a single parent can mean someone didn’t know there was a pear in the oyster, the single parent being the pearl. Last, I recognized that single parenting comes with history, but I’ve also learned that crushed grapes produce delicious wine.
What advice would you give a man, or woman, about seriously dating a single parent?
First, make sure you’re aware that the person you’re dating comes in a package. You don’t have the same freedom that you’d have if you dated someone without kids. You need to be flexible in knowing that spontaneity isn’t always an option. You don’t get the option to just love one person, but now you have to also date the child. This isn’t something to experiment with to see what things would be like, people have feelings involved. So ask alot of questions if you need to. Also, if the relationship is brand new, you make it known that you don’t want to meet the child until you know this is serious. You don’t want to be the “next man” or “next woman” that was here and is now gone. Give yourselves a timeframe that you work on the two of you to solidify some things and then prepare for the introduction to the child or children
Second, be cautious because if things get serious and don’t work out, then you’re not only breaking the heart of the man or woman, but also the heart of the child. You hold a big responsibility as to the image you give that child of someone from the opposite sex. Yes the single parent should also be responsible, but as the single person you know what you’re walking into. If you’re not going to be responsible enough to manage the relationship appropriately, then walk away and save yourself the time.
Last, there will always be a third parent that will be apart of your life. Based upon how your relationship develops, you might have to get to know the other parent a little better than you might have planned on. Just get used to it.
*names have been changed
Life According to Tifftay 